11 week Ultrasound

For some reason I was incredibly nervous last Thursday going to my OBGYN for the first time. I got so used to the same doctors and nurses doing my u/s at the specialist and everything always being "fine" and wasn't ready to go to any "strangers". But Praise the Lord everything was perfect and baby mac is still safe and healthy thus far. It is absolutely amazing how quickly they grow! I mean it has a nose and mouth and toes and everything now! It was bouncing around the whole time which was really fun to see. I go back in about 3 1/2 weeks for my 16 wk appt- and then 4 wks later for my 20 wk appt when we will find out what we are having- we can't wait for that day! The nausea is definitely getting better but I'm still praying it will go away for good soon! I still don't feel quite like myself most days. OH, and how could I forget, I have gained 7lbs!!!! I've always worn my clothes (especially jeans) very fitted so they are already tight which is a little depressing. I always thought I couldn't wait to get fat but now I'm not so sure how I feel about it!
I know I say this everytime but I do sincerely appreciate all of you that have been praying for (first the conception) and (now the pregnancy) with this precious little life. We are amazed at God's goodness and mercy to us. We are constantly reminded of what an incredible blessing this child is. We are reminded that even if something were to go wrong God would STILL be Good and we would STILL be blessed and his mercies would STILL be new every morning. But for now, we are just thankful for everyday that God gives us with our baby and pray that it will be a healthy last 6 months.

Ultrasound and Many Thanks

We had our 3rd Ultrasound yesterday and everything looked perfect again- Praise the Lord! We are a little more relieved every time we go in. I am 7 weeks 4 days. "Official" due date is July 31st. They measured the baby, the sac, my cervix, check my progesterone etc... so they definitely stay on top of things after all their hard work to impregnate me! They stopped checking my HCG levels now that everything seems to be progressing correctly. I met with my actual doctor yesterday...who I really have only met with about 4 times since i've been at the infertility clinic... and she was really encouraging about everything and wants to do 2 more ultrasounds there and then I will go on to my OB. So I am kind of starting to feel like a normal pregnant person I guess. Well and the nausea helps with that too.

Anyways, thanks so much for all the nausea tips!!! Y'all are awesome! Here are some responses to those..

- have tried ginger ale and it didn't go so great- but not buffalo rock- so I'll try that next- thanks Dana!
- Deb, I actually got watermelon and it was perfect! I also got watermelon gatorade and really liked it
- Les, for some reason Sprite hasn't been sitting well with me. I think it's too sweet or something
-Natalie, I ate a grilled cheese for dinner tonight thanks to you! (and some ranch dip and potato chips!) and I agree, I haven't been able to eat sweets at all! which is REALLY STRANGE for me!
-Mel, mashed potatoes are sounding really good... I'm going to have to make some- or buy some(: Oh, and you can have the grapico...not such a great idea for me!
-can't remember where I read something about cinnamon/red hot gum... but it definitely helps!
-Teresa, I've never been one to want to be the hero...I have no problem taking the drugs...and I have been..some nights even a phenegren for the nausea and a lortab for my cysts which pretty much knocks me out completely... no worries, doc said it was ok
Audrey and Susan-all the fruity stuff is definitely helping!
Laura- Kate is precious... so maybe if I eat lots of the orange sherbert too my kid will be as cute(:
Kris- cranberry does sound good... I'll give it a try


ANOTHER QUESTION: I know everyone is different but did most of you have this your whole first trimester, your whole pregnancy (please say no!), just a few weeks? was it off/on for you? Mine has been so constant but then today it seemed to ease up a little....but I can't really tell what's going on. No rhyme or reason to it. Do I get paranoid if it goes away soon? I've heard people say that it's a good sign so if it stops does that mean something could be wrong? I know that probably sounds crazy.... I think I read too much stuff on the internet.

Ok, y'all are awesome to be so helpful!!! THANKS A MILLION!!!

Strong and Healthy Heartbeat

Thank you all so much for all the sweet comments on the last post- especially many of you that I've either never met or haven't seen in a long time! I've gotten several emails and comments from complete strangers over the past year that have read our story and I just feel so humbled that God would choose to use our trial of infertility for His Glory. It's really amazing. I've made so many new friendships through this journey and have been so blessed to have so much support. Even more of a blessing, has been the opportunity to be that support for others struggling through it and I hope and pray that will continue throughout my entire life.

Anyways, thanks also for the continued prayers in my very early and fragile time of pregnancy! We were so excited to get to see the little heartbeat today! I can't believe how much we can love this little black and white blob on a screen! It's crazy! The baby is measuring 6 wks 5 days and we go again next Monday for another ultrasound. I will go once a week to the specialist for the next 3 or 4 weeks and then be released to my regular OB. Please continue to pray for our little peanut(:

Besides getting to see the heartbeat today, I also got stocked up on drugs... zofran and phenergan... which I am very excited about! I haven't thrown up yet..but just feel nauseated pretty much all day everyday (which of course the doctors say is a great sign so I will take it!) If anyone has any tips on what to eat besides saltines and oatmeal I am open for suggestions(:

Thanks again for all the prayers and I will keep y'all updated!(:

Round Three

Finally, after a two month rest, my ovaries decided to cooperate and quit freaking out. My FSH and Estradiol were both low enough too. So, we start our new bed night routine of jabbing my stomach with a needle for the next 6 nights. Which is really not that bad. I'm just dreading the HCG shot because last time Andy gave it to me blood spewed out.. yikes. Then our 6th IUI (I think.. I have lost count!)

Emotionally, I think we are doing pretty well. Still have our good days and bad. But God has been so good, constantly extending His Grace-we are so blessed. I could type for hours of all we have to be thankful for. And going through infertility is actually on the list! I have learned soooooooo much and grown so much through this experience. Ready for it to be over with? YES! But trade it for a pain-free life? never. Our hearts are both longing more and more for a child-and care less and less of HOW God will provide one. So that's been a relief to both of us... to feel the freedom of complete abandonment to His will. So we'll wait and see what He has in store.. kind of exciting!

Oh, and random side-note..I get a lot of questions about what I have been actually "diagnosed" with...and I think I've given the impression that there's not really anything wrong.. but if you put all of these factors together, I don't have a whole lot going for me! But God is the author of life.. so I have stopped analyzing all my ailments.. it was driving me insane... and Andy was about to kill me.

Elevated FSH level: (meaning I don't have as many quality eggs as the average 28 yr old)
Hostile Cervical Mucus: (meaning the sperm can't get up me on their own)
Endometriosis: (which they got in the surgery, but could come back)
Anovulatory Cycle: (meaning I might not ovulate every month)
Unexplained Pelvic Pain: (which the doctors say is often a symptom of women dealing with infertility but they don't know why.. hence "unexplained" I guess!)

It's amazing how EVERYTHING has to be perfect to get pregnant!
Anyways, that was just some technical info for those of you that had asked!

Please keep the prayers coming(:

Doctor Update

After a month off I finally went back to the dr. today. At first we got good news from the ultrasound.. that the cysts were gone and I could start the follistim shots tonight. But then we received a call this afternoon that said my blood results came back and my estrodiol and FSH levels were too high to start treatments (which basically means my ovaries haven't recovered from the shots I took last month). I was pretty bummed because I am just ready to get going again. At least when I am taking the shots I feel like I am doing something about it - being pro-active I guess. So I am probably exactly where God wants me to be... completely and utterly dependent on him because there is nothing that I can do.

Andy and I are heading to the beach Wednesday for a few days and we are SOOO excited about it! We were going to have to come back 2 days early to go to the doctor if I was taking the shots.. so at least we get an extended vacation now(:

Loving the Blackout

Pic Below is from the gameday set after the game.... Saban was like 5 feet from us and he turned around and gave us a thumbs up... it was so cool! I am definitely a big Saban fan now.. it took me a while.. I guess I was just waiting for him to start winning..

How about that game?!! Andy and I went over Saturday morning with my parents and brothers, Tyler and Sam. We had such a blast and were thoroughly enjoying wearing our white in the "blackout".

If you watch the food network then you will recognize the guy in the first pic below, Jamie Deen (Paula Deen's son). I get REALLY excited when I see a "celebrity".. no matter what caliber. However, food network stars rank pretty high on my list! I've met Emeril, Tyler Florence, Paula, and now Jamie! I got all flustered and was like "hi, um, I own a catering business.. i'm a big fan.. uh, I met your mom once... so, can I get a picture with you?"... I'm such a dork. He was so nice and down-to-earth though. He asked what kind of catering we do and didn't seem like he was in any hurry! Not only did my mom wear this glove all day.. but she used it to it's fullest.. waving at every GA car driving by..
Andy and Patrick (one of our good friends from church)

Grief..Brokeness...(and Back to the Doctor!)

This past weekend was a really hard one for us. I think it was the first time that we really "grieved" over our loss. Loss of what we thought our life would look like at nearly 5 years of marriage. Loss of our dreams for a family (for now). Loss of how we thought our children would arrive- getting pregnant easily, being a cute young pregnant girl, decorating the perfect nursery in a cute little house with a white picket fence, and delivering a beautiful, healthy baby without complications.. isn't that what we all really expect? My pride has gotten the best of me. To think that I even deserve that is ridiculous.

Not only was it a weekend of grieving but a weekend of brokeness. Broken because I realized I had put so many limits on God. In not so many words I realized that the way I had "gotten through" these hard times was by saying "ok, God... I can handle this. I'm strong. I can go through years of infertility as long as there is a beautiful, healthy, biological baby at the end of it. Just give me that and THEN I will praise you. THEN I will REALLY believe and trust in you. THEN I can be an inspiration to others-because I trusted you and look what you gave us".
Now here we are, 2 years later,6 months of intense fertility treatments and my arms are still empty. So how do I trust Him now? Certainly not in my own strength. All my strength is gone- there is none left.

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak"
Isaiah 40:29

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are acheiving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseesn. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever"
Psalm 73:25-26

So, what now? Well, as I said in my last post we were pretty certain that God was leading us to take a break. But He all too quickly revealed that He had other plans. After much prayer and tears, we decided to hold our adoption papers (which were intended to be turned in Monday) and keep our appointment with the doctor for this week (that I was adamant about canceling last week!) We just wanted to hear what she had to say about our last few treatments. Why weren't they working? What should we try next? etc. She is concerned about my FSH level being elevated and said that if we did IVF our chances would be less than the average because I probably wouldn't produce as many quaility eggs to be fertilized. And the whole process of it is so intense that I really don't have time to do it right now. SOOO, our other option was to do 2 more cycles of the follistim. I have cysts again this month so we do get a little break. (and of course are always praying for that natural miracle in the mean time!). We will do the follistim next month and our 5th IUI. If it fails we will try one last time (she said if the follistim doesn't work within 4 cycles it will more than likely never work-we have already done 2- so only 2 to go!). This is all barring that Andy's sperm penetration test comes back normal on Friday (so please pray for that).

Congratulations if you have made it to the end of this incredibly long post! sorry!!! and thanks so much for caring.. and for your prayers(:

Barely Hearing His Whisper

On Wednesday morning we got anxious and took a pregnancy test at home- after 21 negative pregnancy tests I'm not even sure what to think/feel anymore. Immediately after I went on a walk and "happened" to hear the song "Praise you in this Storm" on my ipod- I don't think i've heard that song in at least a year- It's amazing how the words of that song echoed my exact prayers. I said nothing to Andy about it. The very next day I had to go to my doctor to get the official pregnancy test and after getting the phone call that confirmed the bad news Andy said, "we need to listen to that song "praise you in this storm". So needless to say, the Lord has given us this as our prayer. Though many days we barely hear His whisper, we are trusting that we can praise him through this.


Praise You In This Storm

I was sure by now That You would have reached down And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls I barely hear Your whisper through the rain“I’m with you”
And as You mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm


Thanks for all your prayers. Unless God directs otherwise, we will be taking a break from the fertility clinic for a while and are praying about pursuing other options. We will keep you posted!(:

Waiting and Reserach

We did our 4th IUI this past Saturday. They said everything looked good as far as they can tell. I still only had 2 eggs (which I think they were hoping for more since they upped my dosage). But one baby or two will be plenty for me!(: So, I am in the 2 week wait yet again.

So, in the mean time, I've been doing some research. The Doctors keep telling me I have a "slightly elevated" FSH level which until last night I still didn't understand exactly what it meant. But I found this article that explains it so well. I will post the link below if any of you are interested. I am going to ask my Dr. about this next visit because I really think it's why we aren't getting pregnant.

"In general, FSH levels over 10 IU/L are a little bit concerning. If they are over 12 IU/L, it's definitely a predictor of poor follicle function. And if it's over 20, it's almost for sure that something is seriously wrong with the follicles"

My FSH is 15- which in a nutshell means my ovaries are functioning a lot older than a 28 year old.

Here's the article

http://fertilityfile.com/2008/04/27/how-do-i-lower-my-fsh-level/

Another Round of Shots

If only I were talking about tequilla!(: Not quite so much fun though.. I went to the doctor last Thursday for an ultrasound and the Cysts did in fact shrink so that was a blessing. I started the follistim shots last Friday and will continue to take them until tomorrow night. We will go back this Thursday, August 21st, for another ultrasound to see how I am responding to my increased dose of 100iu (last time I only took 75 and had only 2 eggs which apparently is an "ok" response). They did tell my my FSH (follicle stimulating horomone) was slightly elevated as it has been before. I'm pretty sure that's not good but oh well. If things look good on Thursday then we will probably do another IUI on Friday or Saturday- then another lovely 2 week wait. If we aren't pregnant then we will do one final test on Andy just to close that door. So, I'm feeling like this is it... either way... which is surprisingly exciting to me. I'm ready to move on(:

Thanks for all the prayers and concerns- it really does mean so much to us! I never want to sound like I'm complaining with the "updates" I post. I really have an incredible life- a WONDERFUL husband, family, friends, and a God that loves me enough to take me through this journey because it IS the BEST plan for me!

Joy in Heartache

This month has been a really nice break for us- simply the stress of not going to the doctor every other day has been great. We have been completely swamped at the kitchen so it would have been really difficult to get away. As of now, the plan is to go back to the doctor in 2 weeks so they can check the cysts. If they have haven't gone away then I will have to sit out another month and take some medicine to shrink them. They have been somewhat painful and my body just feels out of whack from all the horomones (and lack of them this month). Poor Andy- I know i'm extra moody. But emotionally I am actually feeling better. I guess I am just getting use to it.. accepting the circumstances for what they are- not fun, but completely under God's control. Andy and I can already look back and see how the Lord has grown us over the past 1 1/2 years. I really do feel like a different person in many ways. I am going through a devotional called "Hope" by Nancy Guthrie and have been so encouraged by it... particuarly the week that was on Joy...

"To experience sorrow does not eliminate joy. In fact, I've come to think that sorrow actually deepens our capacity for joy-that as our lows are lower, so are our highs higher. Deep sorrow expands our ability to feel deeply. We feel sadder than we ever knew we could, sadder than we think we can survive. But our sorrow prepares us to experinece a more satisfying and solid joy than we've ever known before. When joy surfaces, it allows us to see that deep beneath the chaos of catastrophe is the strong current of confidnece that we can be content in the sovereign hands of God. It's just not natural to experience profound joy in the face of heartache. It is supernatural; it is spiritual. This is the kind of joy God has for you. It is not produced by the human spirit in response to pleasant circumstances, but by the Holy Spirit in spite of difficult circumstances. It is the very joy of Christ fulfilled in us."

Relieved

Thanks so much for all the prayers. We do have an answer. I can't claim it was any wisdom on my part but simply a closed door. When I went in today for my day 3 ultrasound they found 5 pretty large cysts on my ovaries (which were caused from my shots). The Dr. said the cysts would absorb all the medicine from the shots if I did them this month so they are pointless to take. I think normally I would have burst into tears hearing that news but I was actually so relieved. Relieved to know that God DOES hear our prayers. Relieved that God made it clear. Relieved that we didn't have to agonize another minute over this decision. Relieved to not have to schedule 10 doctor appointments this month. Relieved to know the Lord is in control. Relieved that I am not in control. Just relieved.

Good Days and Bad Days

Last week we got to spend 3 whole days at the beach (and more importantly away from the kitchen!) with my family. Wednesday was especially great. We woke up at 6:30am to a text from our kitchen manager that contained a picture of the front page of the Birmingham News with Ashley Mac's making the headlines (obviously there was absolutely nothing going on in Birmingham that day!) Andy and I spent an hour driving around looking for a paper with no luck. But we ended up finding it online and were shocked to find a huge write up on us ( I was expecting maybe a paragraph).We drove home late that night on a "high" and excited to see what it would do for our business. On the way home we find out that retail sales that day were 5x's our average and that the phone had been ringing off the hook. This has continued every day since- unfortunately i'm too tired to be excited about it and just trying to figure out how to survive!

So, back up to Thursday- aka "the bad day". I wake up excited and nervous and go straight to the doc for my Beta (pregnancy) test. I'm nearly in tears on the way to the kitchen because I'm so nervous about the results- TRULY feeling (practically knowing!) that there is just no way it's going to be positive. I call Andy and he begins to pray for me over the phone- then I look in my rear view and what do I see but a freakin' cop! You have got to be kidding me! Doesn't he know he is interrupting our prayer! I didn't even know what I did wrong. Does 45 in a 30 really warrant a $130 ticket?!!! ugh. Surprisingly I couldn't even turn on the tears for the cop (which has gotten me out of 3 previous tickets). Anyways, that was the least of my problems that day. Sorry this is getting long...i'll get to the point. So I was on my feet for ohhhh, about 12 hours that day not even having time to stop and call my patient voice mail for the results. Finally at 8:30 that night I (still at the kitchen and exhausted) we call and get the bad (but so expected) news. For some reason it's always harder than I anticipate. I guess because I was willing to risk having sextuplets I thought surely I can get one baby out of these dang shots! We are so tired and overwhelmed with "our life of food and fertility" (which by the way I couldn't have come up with a more appropriate title!) We are praying for some serious wisdom in both areas. Oh yeah and trust- praying that I can trust. Why is that so hard?

Sorry it's taken me so long to post an update and thanks so much for all the calls and emails(:

Cheers to Shots!

For the past 6 nights we have been doing follistim shots in my stomach. (Follistim stimulates the ovaries to produce mature eggs). It proved to be less painful than I anticipated. But I was terrified to do them by myself when Andy was out of town one night so I practiced with him and it ended up being fine. The first night I had 2 glasses of wine (dr. approved of course!) because I was so nervous! It's weird, because in the dr.'s office I don't think twice about needles but there was just something about my sweet (but not medically trained) husband doing them! He was so sweet and gentle though and he really did a great job. Last night we had to do an HCG shot which was a little more painful! We had to mix the powder and water (which is a lot more difficult than it sounds) and had a hard time getting the medicine into the syringe. That made me nervous but it finally worked.

Please pray tomorrow (July 3rd) at 9:15 as we go in for our IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination). Praying and hoping that all this will be worth it (and the first month would be nice!)

Australia By Boat

I didn't really want this whole blog to be about fertility stuff- but this is my life now.. so what do ya do?! I stole this "story" by an anonymous author off a friends blog- I don't think I could describe what I'm going through any better.



Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it's a wonderful place. You've read many guidebooks and feel certain you're ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you look forward to being pampered on the trip.

So you go the the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you, you'll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait, and wait, and wait.

Flights to Australia come and go. People say silly things like, "Relax, You'll get on a flight soon.: Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, "It's not fair!"

After a long time the ticket agent tells you, "I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat."

"By boat!", you say, "Going by boat will take a very long time and costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane." So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than by air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.

It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three times, marveling about each trip.

Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during the voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than by air.

People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are able to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, "Oh be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible, traveling by sea is so easy." You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty is not in the way you get there but in the place itself.



Andy and I were clearly planning on flying.. doesn't everyone? The boat ride IS rough. Waves are always crashing. I feel sick (physically and emotionally). I'm tired. Sometimes I just wish I could get on the stupid plane. But God has called us to go by boat- so that's how we're going.

Fertility Clinic 101

Sooooo, IUI #3 will have to wait. Apparently we are paying thousands of dollars so they can "miss" my cycle. Long story but I will try to explain for those that are interested. Every cycle I have to wait for the dr. to tell us what she recommends once I start my period. So after several "failed" cycles at ART she decided to put me on Letrozole which is supposed to make a better ovulation (even though I ovulate regularly on my own.. but whatever). Anywho, so I took the letrozole days 3-7 of my cycle- which the side effects were MUCH better than clomid.. but still annoying none-the-less. Then they tell me to start the ovulation test kit on day 10. So this past Saturday night after being out with friends, I came home and took one of the tests close to midnight.. and I had a surge. I call the dr's office and have to come in the next morning (on a Sunday- which costs extra by the way) to get an ultrasound and blood work which will determine how close I am to ovulation. The nurse then goes on to tell me that I am not quite ready. Come back Tuesday. Andy steps in and reminds her that I am a "fast ovulater" according to my past few cycles (they almost "missed" one before). She looks at us like we don't really know what we're talking about and doesn't seem to give any credence to what we're saying. Day 10 IS extremely early, even for me, so I am trusting her at this point. That brings us to this morning, Tuesday. Go in.... get one of the lab technicians (would it be so hard to get a nurse or nurse practitioner to do the u/s?!).. she looks confused- calls in a nurse practitioner...they sit and stare.. "we should look at her chart from Sunday".. well that sounded like a grand idea to me. (Oh and little tid-bit.. every time we go in our last name is spelled differently on the u/s screen..$$$$ for this kind of treatment?!!) I'm getting tired just writing all this so let me just wrap it up... they MISSED my dang ovulation. So frustrating when you are paying to be watched. I know this happens to people dealing with fertility all the time- but it was my first- and not very fun. Every month seems like forever. So here we go again. I guess I should leave this on a good note though... we did have "spontaneous sex" (which doesn't happen very often when your trying to get preg!) on Saturday night so maybe just maybe we will have a miracle baby..... and to end on not just a good note but a GREAT note.. God is Good and I'm thankful we know that... and thankful we know HIM.