This past weekend was a really hard one for us. I think it was the first time that we really "grieved" over our loss. Loss of what we thought our life would look like at nearly 5 years of marriage. Loss of our dreams for a family (for now). Loss of how we thought our children would arrive- getting pregnant easily, being a cute young pregnant girl, decorating the perfect nursery in a cute little house with a white picket fence, and delivering a beautiful, healthy baby without complications.. isn't that what we all really expect? My pride has gotten the best of me. To think that I even deserve that is ridiculous.
Not only was it a weekend of grieving but a weekend of brokeness. Broken because I realized I had put so many limits on God. In not so many words I realized that the way I had "gotten through" these hard times was by saying "ok, God... I can handle this. I'm strong. I can go through years of infertility as long as there is a beautiful, healthy, biological baby at the end of it. Just give me that and THEN I will praise you. THEN I will REALLY believe and trust in you. THEN I can be an inspiration to others-because I trusted you and look what you gave us".
Now here we are, 2 years later,6 months of intense fertility treatments and my arms are still empty. So how do I trust Him now? Certainly not in my own strength. All my strength is gone- there is none left.
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak"
Isaiah 40:29
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are acheiving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseesn. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
"Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever"
Psalm 73:25-26
So, what now? Well, as I said in my last post we were pretty certain that God was leading us to take a break. But He all too quickly revealed that He had other plans. After much prayer and tears, we decided to hold our adoption papers (which were intended to be turned in Monday) and keep our appointment with the doctor for this week (that I was adamant about canceling last week!) We just wanted to hear what she had to say about our last few treatments. Why weren't they working? What should we try next? etc. She is concerned about my FSH level being elevated and said that if we did IVF our chances would be less than the average because I probably wouldn't produce as many quaility eggs to be fertilized. And the whole process of it is so intense that I really don't have time to do it right now. SOOO, our other option was to do 2 more cycles of the follistim. I have cysts again this month so we do get a little break. (and of course are always praying for that natural miracle in the mean time!). We will do the follistim next month and our 5th IUI. If it fails we will try one last time (she said if the follistim doesn't work within 4 cycles it will more than likely never work-we have already done 2- so only 2 to go!). This is all barring that Andy's sperm penetration test comes back normal on Friday (so please pray for that).
Congratulations if you have made it to the end of this incredibly long post! sorry!!! and thanks so much for caring.. and for your prayers(:
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8 comments:
I could have written your post nearly verbatim a few years ago, Ash. I know your heart hurts and it is hard not to expect a neat tied up bow at the end of your journey. It is so hard to have our dreams shattered and our expectations unmet especially when it does happen easily for others. Know that I hurt for and with you right now. I know I am in a different spot right now, but once you go through infertility you never forget the feeling. I hate that you are grieving and hurting and wondering what God's plan is. I will be praying for continual strength and supernatural courage to face the journey He has faithfully called you and Andy to.
What a journey. I love your willingness to share it with us. We continue to pray for Andy and you. WE love you both!
Oh, Sister. Oh, how my heart cries for the same thing. Your words are exactly what I'm too afraid to admit. Sure, Lord...I'll be such a great Christian when we get through this and I'm holding my precious baby in my arms. I'll gladly praise you then. In my deepest despair, I still rely only on myself. I throw my anger at the Cross, I throw my tears there but only when I'm exhausted and tired and disappointed again.
Thank you for being so open, for verbalizing what some of us out here are truly feeling, but hiding in our hearts.
I'm praying for you.
(PS: I'd love an update on the bakery!)
Ash you are my inspiration. I have tears in my eyes as I write this post as I know the pain and helplessness you are feeling. I love you so much and I wish miles didn't separate us or I'd be there to hug you and just cry with you. I know words are not enough in your time of grief and I do not pretend to know what to say but please know that I am praying for you. I am pleading with the Father on your behalf. I will believe by faith that he gives good gifts to his children and we must trust Him and not lean on our understanding. thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your heart.
My eyes are welling up with tears. I'm so sorry that you've been called along this path. It's not an easy one and you've had to go further than I did. I know the emptiness your arms feel, though. It was the same emptiness when we lost our second baby. I'm thankful the Lord has opened your eyes to your need for him and not your own strength. Let him carry you. You will one day be on the other side of this but until then, I hope you can see God's hand at work.
Know that I am praying and praying for you. I love how real, upfront, and just open you are about it all. You are an encouragement to EVERYONE Ashley no matter what anyone is going through. love ya, Dana
Wow, what a journey. It is awesome to see how God is strengthening you both through this process. We're praying for you!
Ashley,
I am so glad that I have discovered your blog. I will be praying for ya'll during this time and I know your blog is going to encourage so many going through this same thing. Hopefully, Clint and I will see ya'll soon around town or at a Bama game.
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