Grief..Brokeness...(and Back to the Doctor!)

This past weekend was a really hard one for us. I think it was the first time that we really "grieved" over our loss. Loss of what we thought our life would look like at nearly 5 years of marriage. Loss of our dreams for a family (for now). Loss of how we thought our children would arrive- getting pregnant easily, being a cute young pregnant girl, decorating the perfect nursery in a cute little house with a white picket fence, and delivering a beautiful, healthy baby without complications.. isn't that what we all really expect? My pride has gotten the best of me. To think that I even deserve that is ridiculous.

Not only was it a weekend of grieving but a weekend of brokeness. Broken because I realized I had put so many limits on God. In not so many words I realized that the way I had "gotten through" these hard times was by saying "ok, God... I can handle this. I'm strong. I can go through years of infertility as long as there is a beautiful, healthy, biological baby at the end of it. Just give me that and THEN I will praise you. THEN I will REALLY believe and trust in you. THEN I can be an inspiration to others-because I trusted you and look what you gave us".
Now here we are, 2 years later,6 months of intense fertility treatments and my arms are still empty. So how do I trust Him now? Certainly not in my own strength. All my strength is gone- there is none left.

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak"
Isaiah 40:29

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are acheiving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseesn. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever"
Psalm 73:25-26

So, what now? Well, as I said in my last post we were pretty certain that God was leading us to take a break. But He all too quickly revealed that He had other plans. After much prayer and tears, we decided to hold our adoption papers (which were intended to be turned in Monday) and keep our appointment with the doctor for this week (that I was adamant about canceling last week!) We just wanted to hear what she had to say about our last few treatments. Why weren't they working? What should we try next? etc. She is concerned about my FSH level being elevated and said that if we did IVF our chances would be less than the average because I probably wouldn't produce as many quaility eggs to be fertilized. And the whole process of it is so intense that I really don't have time to do it right now. SOOO, our other option was to do 2 more cycles of the follistim. I have cysts again this month so we do get a little break. (and of course are always praying for that natural miracle in the mean time!). We will do the follistim next month and our 5th IUI. If it fails we will try one last time (she said if the follistim doesn't work within 4 cycles it will more than likely never work-we have already done 2- so only 2 to go!). This is all barring that Andy's sperm penetration test comes back normal on Friday (so please pray for that).

Congratulations if you have made it to the end of this incredibly long post! sorry!!! and thanks so much for caring.. and for your prayers(:

Barely Hearing His Whisper

On Wednesday morning we got anxious and took a pregnancy test at home- after 21 negative pregnancy tests I'm not even sure what to think/feel anymore. Immediately after I went on a walk and "happened" to hear the song "Praise you in this Storm" on my ipod- I don't think i've heard that song in at least a year- It's amazing how the words of that song echoed my exact prayers. I said nothing to Andy about it. The very next day I had to go to my doctor to get the official pregnancy test and after getting the phone call that confirmed the bad news Andy said, "we need to listen to that song "praise you in this storm". So needless to say, the Lord has given us this as our prayer. Though many days we barely hear His whisper, we are trusting that we can praise him through this.


Praise You In This Storm

I was sure by now That You would have reached down And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls I barely hear Your whisper through the rain“I’m with you”
And as You mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm


Thanks for all your prayers. Unless God directs otherwise, we will be taking a break from the fertility clinic for a while and are praying about pursuing other options. We will keep you posted!(:

Waiting and Reserach

We did our 4th IUI this past Saturday. They said everything looked good as far as they can tell. I still only had 2 eggs (which I think they were hoping for more since they upped my dosage). But one baby or two will be plenty for me!(: So, I am in the 2 week wait yet again.

So, in the mean time, I've been doing some research. The Doctors keep telling me I have a "slightly elevated" FSH level which until last night I still didn't understand exactly what it meant. But I found this article that explains it so well. I will post the link below if any of you are interested. I am going to ask my Dr. about this next visit because I really think it's why we aren't getting pregnant.

"In general, FSH levels over 10 IU/L are a little bit concerning. If they are over 12 IU/L, it's definitely a predictor of poor follicle function. And if it's over 20, it's almost for sure that something is seriously wrong with the follicles"

My FSH is 15- which in a nutshell means my ovaries are functioning a lot older than a 28 year old.

Here's the article

http://fertilityfile.com/2008/04/27/how-do-i-lower-my-fsh-level/

Another Round of Shots

If only I were talking about tequilla!(: Not quite so much fun though.. I went to the doctor last Thursday for an ultrasound and the Cysts did in fact shrink so that was a blessing. I started the follistim shots last Friday and will continue to take them until tomorrow night. We will go back this Thursday, August 21st, for another ultrasound to see how I am responding to my increased dose of 100iu (last time I only took 75 and had only 2 eggs which apparently is an "ok" response). They did tell my my FSH (follicle stimulating horomone) was slightly elevated as it has been before. I'm pretty sure that's not good but oh well. If things look good on Thursday then we will probably do another IUI on Friday or Saturday- then another lovely 2 week wait. If we aren't pregnant then we will do one final test on Andy just to close that door. So, I'm feeling like this is it... either way... which is surprisingly exciting to me. I'm ready to move on(:

Thanks for all the prayers and concerns- it really does mean so much to us! I never want to sound like I'm complaining with the "updates" I post. I really have an incredible life- a WONDERFUL husband, family, friends, and a God that loves me enough to take me through this journey because it IS the BEST plan for me!

Ten Year Reunion

Ten Years! Sometimes I can't believe it's been that long but in many ways it feels like yesterday! Most of the 1998 Briarwood Graduates went to Auburn so I haven't really kept up very well with them- Someone had to be smart and go to Alabama!(: It was really fun to see everyone though!

Joy in Heartache

This month has been a really nice break for us- simply the stress of not going to the doctor every other day has been great. We have been completely swamped at the kitchen so it would have been really difficult to get away. As of now, the plan is to go back to the doctor in 2 weeks so they can check the cysts. If they have haven't gone away then I will have to sit out another month and take some medicine to shrink them. They have been somewhat painful and my body just feels out of whack from all the horomones (and lack of them this month). Poor Andy- I know i'm extra moody. But emotionally I am actually feeling better. I guess I am just getting use to it.. accepting the circumstances for what they are- not fun, but completely under God's control. Andy and I can already look back and see how the Lord has grown us over the past 1 1/2 years. I really do feel like a different person in many ways. I am going through a devotional called "Hope" by Nancy Guthrie and have been so encouraged by it... particuarly the week that was on Joy...

"To experience sorrow does not eliminate joy. In fact, I've come to think that sorrow actually deepens our capacity for joy-that as our lows are lower, so are our highs higher. Deep sorrow expands our ability to feel deeply. We feel sadder than we ever knew we could, sadder than we think we can survive. But our sorrow prepares us to experinece a more satisfying and solid joy than we've ever known before. When joy surfaces, it allows us to see that deep beneath the chaos of catastrophe is the strong current of confidnece that we can be content in the sovereign hands of God. It's just not natural to experience profound joy in the face of heartache. It is supernatural; it is spiritual. This is the kind of joy God has for you. It is not produced by the human spirit in response to pleasant circumstances, but by the Holy Spirit in spite of difficult circumstances. It is the very joy of Christ fulfilled in us."